I have had a very bad morning, my mother asked me to help with housework, so of course I did. When I got there I was shocked to see how tired and weak she was. Eventually she went back to bed and I got on with the work, but was becoming more upset as I worked, I had the feeling that she was dying, not imminently, but sooner than expected.
When I had all my health issues a few years ago she was relatively healthy for a woman in her sixties, but she refused to listen to doctors telling her to give up smoking and alcohol, to eat properly and to exercise more. Over the last five years she has had many new conditions, cellulitis which knocked her for six was the first, leaving her frightened and frailer than before the illness.
Then the arthritis got worse and was accompanied by osteoprosis, still at this point she could do something like more exercise, healthier food – all the usual suspects. 2 years ago she was diagnosed with emphysema and continues to smoke 250 cigarettes a week at a cost of about £70.00 a week. She continues to eat a poor diet, high in sugar and salt (she has low blood pressure) and was recently diagnosed with Diabetes 2. She has cut back a little but basically lives on cakes, biscuits, chocolate and a tiny dinner everyday. She is unable to stay awake for longer than a few hours at a time, she is exhausted all the time and as her daughter it is terrible to watch her suffer and deteriorate on a daily basis.
This then, is my biggest motivator and inspiration for losing weight, getting physically stronger, eating healthily etc – i simply do not want my children to go through what I am going through, although of course to an extent they are as she is their nan. I am sure that sounds selfish of me but it is how I feel at this point.
Some people may think me mean for saying these things, but today I just have to write what I feel, I have to let the emotion out, I am deeply concerned for my mothers health, she refuses a doctor. She had blood tests last week and hopes that these will tell her something good. I cannot tell her what I think.