Inspiration from my mother ~TJ33

I have had a very bad morning, my mother asked me to help with housework, so of course I did. When I got there I was shocked to see how tired and weak she was. Eventually she went back to bed and I got on with the work, but was becoming more upset as I worked, I had the feeling that she was dying, not imminently, but sooner than expected.

When I had all my health issues a few years ago she was relatively healthy for a woman in her sixties, but she refused to listen to doctors telling her to give up smoking and alcohol, to eat properly and to exercise more. Over the last five years she has had many new conditions, cellulitis which knocked her for six was the first, leaving her frightened and frailer than before the illness.

Then the arthritis got worse and was accompanied by osteoprosis, still at this point she could do something like more exercise, healthier food – all the usual suspects. 2 years ago she was diagnosed with emphysema and continues to smoke 250 cigarettes a week at a cost of about £70.00 a week. She continues to eat a poor diet, high in sugar and salt (she has low blood pressure) and was recently diagnosed with Diabetes 2. She has cut back a little but basically lives on cakes, biscuits, chocolate and a tiny dinner everyday. She is unable to stay awake for longer than a few hours at a time, she is exhausted all the time and as her daughter it is terrible to watch her suffer and deteriorate on a daily basis.

This then, is my biggest motivator and inspiration for losing weight, getting physically stronger, eating healthily etc – i simply do not want my children to go through what I am going through, although of course to an extent they are as she is their nan. I am sure that sounds selfish of me but it is how I feel at this point.

Some people may think me mean for saying these things, but today I just have to write what I feel, I have to let the emotion out, I am deeply concerned for my mothers health, she refuses a doctor. She had blood tests last week and hopes that these will tell her something good. I cannot tell her what I think.

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Yet More Miserable News ~TJ03

Originally posted SUNDAY, 13 SEPTEMBER 2009

Yet more miserable news

OK so this is just turning into a diary – well that’s OK writing is supposed to be cathartic.

The MRI scan is due to be done in 2 weeks time – yuk
Claustrophobia rules – Doc has promised tranquillisers for the day.

As usual Mum is just go and do it don’t be stupid, this from the woman who won’t go to the end of the street in case she gets stuck. I, for some reason am not allowed to be frightened. Still perhaps she is just sick of the NEVER EVER ENDING saga of my health over the last 6 years.

6 years ago started getting chest pains went to doc – got referred to hospital

  • test for heart attack – inconclusive
  • test for hernia – negative
  • test for gastritis – inconclusive
  • further test for gastritis – endoscopy and barium meal – conclusive
  • treadmill test for heart conditions – positive
  • angiogram – shows irregular veins and arteries.

It turns out that the gastritis was caused by the NACIDS prescribed for arthritis, so now I have to take anti-inflammatory for the arthritis and aspirin for the heart – both of which destroy my stomach lining. I take a further pill to counter the NAcid and aspirin and other stuff for the heart.

During all this I get intermittent sore throats so as a heavy smoker I am checked for cancer – negative also no reason for throat – one of those things give up smoking.

Next on the menu is high blood pressure – never had it before it came out of nowhere – pills for that make you feel nauseous, cause swelling in legs (this is painful especially as it adds pressure to arthritic joints), lowers blood pressure to the extent that you cannot turn your head in a normal fashion without feeling sick and faint, exhaustion, drained etc. Whinged to doc – tough live with it. AND give up smoking.

Next my wisdom teeth decide to rot – hospital for extraction due to the other conditions I have it is a three day stay in hospital. have a routine eye test – turns out I have excess pressure in eyes – now have to see a consultant opthamologist every 6 months to prevent blindness.

Two weeks ago I had a suspected stroke, they found a thrombosis in my neck – so more drugs and tests I gave up smoking 18 months ago and put on three stone – so started exercise programme – doc has cancelled that too

This week I have had a rash on my face and as I get exzcema sometimes I self treated – turned out it is Rosacea – caused by high blood pressure and made worse by the drugs given to treat the high blood pressure – this can also spread to the eyes and cause blindness.

Doc says all medications given to treat blood pressure, and I quote, ‘make you feel like crap!’ but you are alive – well whoop di f*#$ing do! I am 54 and have to look forward to a life of:

  • pain from the arthritis which will get worse
  • pain from the swollen legs
  • never sleeping for more than 3 hours at a time – having to get up to pee the excess fluid from my legs
  • stomach pain if I eat anything vaguely spicy
  • uncontrollable reflux if I overeat slightly, or bend too soon
  • after eating, or do exercise after eating
  • a bright red spotty face, which if the disease progresses could lead to blindness and severe swelling of nose
  • feeling constantly tired, drawn and sick (blood pressure meds)
  • continuing angina attacks
  • possibility of Glaucoma and blindness

And I am supposed to be GLAD to be kept alive for all this – if I were a dog I would be humanely put to sleep – if I stop the BP meds I feel great but could have a stroke or heart attack at any time.

If I didn’t have children I definitely would not take the BP meds, but as the kids are 14 and 16 I have no choice for now – roll on only a few more years till they are independent !

This is a snap shot of how I felt at the time.

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… to see how  the Journey began click here …
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