I’m back in the groove ~TJ135

Well here I am back in the ‘losing a little bit a day groove’ Had a blip there, some depression, being treated thanks to employer and friends and of course Steve!

So a week or so of self indulgence, eating whatever found its way to my hand/mouth and now back on the road to recovery from the depression and on the road to health, fitness, weight loss and the start of a new way of life.

I expect there will be bumps, blockages, twists, turns, up and down hills and many other things on this road, but I also know that all I have to do every single day is try my best, stay positive, strive for my goals, seek help when needed,  for that will be good enough, and I can do no more than that.

 

Capturewindy

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Temper tantrum ~TJ85

I admit it – I had a major tantrum this morning. Every day since starting this lifestyle change with Steve I have got up, had a wee and waited for……… no delicate way to put it lol – waste disposal!

After this I strip off and weigh and measure, this is usually an exciting process because mostly the weight is down or stable and the fat mass is down and muscle mass up – as a general trend – not every single day.

This morning, after a great run yesterday, which was followed by a mile and a quarter walk with a walking group, (links below) I did the usual. To my absolute and abject horror I had gained nearly 2 kilos – almost 4 pounds. I went from 0 – ballistic in nanoseconds, there were tears, much foul language and general noise and ranting. I sent poor Steve an e-mail full of depression, anger and hurt.

Some while later I realised that it was the repair crews and nanobots in to fix my muscles after all the damage I did yesterday – whoops. I got an e-mail from Steve telling me so at about the same time that I realised. By this time I had skipped breakfast and lunch in an attempt to fast for 24 hours to shift the weight or water or whatever evil thing had invaded my body.

All this of course relates beautifully to the chimp thing.

When Steve first started to explain the mechanics of diet, exercise, nutrition and brain to me, he told me about the reptilian instinctive brain that controls all the basic stuff and is about survival. I knew of this from before but now for some reason it resonated and I found Lizzie – my inner lizard. She and I chat sometimes about how I want it to be! Well chat is maybe not the right word, it’s more me telling her to do stuff to help me. Sounds daft, but when I am running and I can’t get my breath or the burning starts in the legs I tell her I have to run or we will not survive (then I make up some rubbish about being chased by something), maybe it is the simple act of NOT thinking about the issue that stops it becoming a problem. I don’t care what it is but it works for me.

So, after Lizzie was ‘born’, further explanations followed about how the body tears muscle when exercising and then it all gets repaired, and it is better and stronger after the repairs. Being me I imagined nanobots and lizards doing the work and that is what Steve and I now call it 🙂

I went so far as to have a drawing of calf muscle repairs done to illustrate to Steve what I felt was happening – how I perceived his scientific explanation. I like it as just a picture but it is very symbolic of my journey. I had it done on five squids (link below) by a very talented man called Pixomanic.

How I imagine my muscles being repaired

How I imagine my muscles being repaired

Hit an all time low ~TJ16

I have no clear idea why but today I feel terrible, I am crying for no apparent reason. It’s not the usual female hormonal stuff like PMT/S or menopause, thankfully left that lot behind more than a few years ago.

Partly I think worry about losing job, possibly getting a new/different job, sudden drop in income as Working Tax Credits and so on come to an end as my youngest comes of age. Partly my mother is very ill indeed and needs constant reassuring and care. Partly the stupid hours I have been doing in the garden after an eight hour work day and hour and a half at gym, so 12-14 hours work or travel with a half hour break at lunchtime. Disturbed sleep due to the physical and mental tiredness.

Some fear following a very bad experience after last parkrun when BP dropped to 86/35, leading to time off work and doc’s visit – that scared me very much indeed. That I could push myself to the point of passing out just to get a decent time for the distance. I haven’t been able to bring myself to walk any distance since. My courage has left me, I need to find it again or I will fail this mission to regain my health and figure.

Not sure what I can do to resolve this issue but I will resolve it and continue on, I will start by constructing a plan to get me back walking shorter distances to prove to myself that I won’t actually die by doing so – sounds very silly when I write it down and try to rationalise it – but it is how I feel – frightened, useless, lost control of my mind and body. Not a good place to be.

Of course on the outside I have to be strong, mum would worry sick if she saw me upset, kids just go all silly when I cry or weaken they see it so rarely they think something really bad has happened and then I have that to deal with as well!

Listen to me wallowing in a pit of self pity! Need to pull my socks up and just put one foot in front of the other. Nice slow 5 mile walk to Mums perhaps have a chat, lunch, rest then a five mile walk home, Save a few pennies on the petrol and reduce carbon footprint at the same time.

OK rant over, feel better for voicing it all a five mile walk through the woods with time to just think will probably clear my head a bit. Thanks for listening x

  • Parkrun (mawilrunningforcharity.wordpress.com)

Yet More Miserable News ~TJ03

Originally posted SUNDAY, 13 SEPTEMBER 2009

Yet more miserable news

OK so this is just turning into a diary – well that’s OK writing is supposed to be cathartic.

The MRI scan is due to be done in 2 weeks time – yuk
Claustrophobia rules – Doc has promised tranquillisers for the day.

As usual Mum is just go and do it don’t be stupid, this from the woman who won’t go to the end of the street in case she gets stuck. I, for some reason am not allowed to be frightened. Still perhaps she is just sick of the NEVER EVER ENDING saga of my health over the last 6 years.

6 years ago started getting chest pains went to doc – got referred to hospital

  • test for heart attack – inconclusive
  • test for hernia – negative
  • test for gastritis – inconclusive
  • further test for gastritis – endoscopy and barium meal – conclusive
  • treadmill test for heart conditions – positive
  • angiogram – shows irregular veins and arteries.

It turns out that the gastritis was caused by the NACIDS prescribed for arthritis, so now I have to take anti-inflammatory for the arthritis and aspirin for the heart – both of which destroy my stomach lining. I take a further pill to counter the NAcid and aspirin and other stuff for the heart.

During all this I get intermittent sore throats so as a heavy smoker I am checked for cancer – negative also no reason for throat – one of those things give up smoking.

Next on the menu is high blood pressure – never had it before it came out of nowhere – pills for that make you feel nauseous, cause swelling in legs (this is painful especially as it adds pressure to arthritic joints), lowers blood pressure to the extent that you cannot turn your head in a normal fashion without feeling sick and faint, exhaustion, drained etc. Whinged to doc – tough live with it. AND give up smoking.

Next my wisdom teeth decide to rot – hospital for extraction due to the other conditions I have it is a three day stay in hospital. have a routine eye test – turns out I have excess pressure in eyes – now have to see a consultant opthamologist every 6 months to prevent blindness.

Two weeks ago I had a suspected stroke, they found a thrombosis in my neck – so more drugs and tests I gave up smoking 18 months ago and put on three stone – so started exercise programme – doc has cancelled that too

This week I have had a rash on my face and as I get exzcema sometimes I self treated – turned out it is Rosacea – caused by high blood pressure and made worse by the drugs given to treat the high blood pressure – this can also spread to the eyes and cause blindness.

Doc says all medications given to treat blood pressure, and I quote, ‘make you feel like crap!’ but you are alive – well whoop di f*#$ing do! I am 54 and have to look forward to a life of:

  • pain from the arthritis which will get worse
  • pain from the swollen legs
  • never sleeping for more than 3 hours at a time – having to get up to pee the excess fluid from my legs
  • stomach pain if I eat anything vaguely spicy
  • uncontrollable reflux if I overeat slightly, or bend too soon
  • after eating, or do exercise after eating
  • a bright red spotty face, which if the disease progresses could lead to blindness and severe swelling of nose
  • feeling constantly tired, drawn and sick (blood pressure meds)
  • continuing angina attacks
  • possibility of Glaucoma and blindness

And I am supposed to be GLAD to be kept alive for all this – if I were a dog I would be humanely put to sleep – if I stop the BP meds I feel great but could have a stroke or heart attack at any time.

If I didn’t have children I definitely would not take the BP meds, but as the kids are 14 and 16 I have no choice for now – roll on only a few more years till they are independent !

This is a snap shot of how I felt at the time.

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… to see how  the Journey began click here …
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