I have no clear idea why but today I feel terrible, I am crying for no apparent reason. It’s not the usual female hormonal stuff like PMT/S or menopause, thankfully left that lot behind more than a few years ago.
Partly I think worry about losing job, possibly getting a new/different job, sudden drop in income as Working Tax Credits and so on come to an end as my youngest comes of age. Partly my mother is very ill indeed and needs constant reassuring and care. Partly the stupid hours I have been doing in the garden after an eight hour work day and hour and a half at gym, so 12-14 hours work or travel with a half hour break at lunchtime. Disturbed sleep due to the physical and mental tiredness.
Some fear following a very bad experience after last parkrun when BP dropped to 86/35, leading to time off work and doc’s visit – that scared me very much indeed. That I could push myself to the point of passing out just to get a decent time for the distance. I haven’t been able to bring myself to walk any distance since. My courage has left me, I need to find it again or I will fail this mission to regain my health and figure.
Not sure what I can do to resolve this issue but I will resolve it and continue on, I will start by constructing a plan to get me back walking shorter distances to prove to myself that I won’t actually die by doing so – sounds very silly when I write it down and try to rationalise it – but it is how I feel – frightened, useless, lost control of my mind and body. Not a good place to be.
Of course on the outside I have to be strong, mum would worry sick if she saw me upset, kids just go all silly when I cry or weaken they see it so rarely they think something really bad has happened and then I have that to deal with as well!
Listen to me wallowing in a pit of self pity! Need to pull my socks up and just put one foot in front of the other. Nice slow 5 mile walk to Mums perhaps have a chat, lunch, rest then a five mile walk home, Save a few pennies on the petrol and reduce carbon footprint at the same time.
OK rant over, feel better for voicing it all a five mile walk through the woods with time to just think will probably clear my head a bit. Thanks for listening x
- Parkrun (mawilrunningforcharity.wordpress.com)